33 is Home to Me

About a year ago I started calling in home. Roots. Safety. Family. On my soul’s terms. I began that process inside myself 3 years ago. With a lot of help and the medicine of the breath I found that anchor point inside me. I found that place I can go no matter what’s happening around me. And it has served me so well on my global adventures. As I found myself moving back to San Diego for the third time, I realized I have big work to do here. I also realized so much traveling had created patterns of non-committal and lack of staying power when shit was getting real. As much as I was committed to my inner work, my outer reality was that I always had an escape not just available, but one that enticed me. As I noticed the unwavering pull San Diego has had on me, I also brought into my awareness the distraction of moving. I began to unpack it.

What started as an adventure for the girl who never said yes to herself in huge meaningful ways became a mechanism of remaining aloof- at work, in relationships of all kinds, and even in the spaces I called home. When shit would go wrong, it wouldn’t stir me- at first because I was so in love with the beauty of new life around me… ultimately it developed into detachment because I knew I was leaving. I had swung the pendulum from codependent attachment, to complete disconnect. I was so fully confronted with my desire for deepening my relationship to the land, to the people, and to my home.

Last Spring, I started journaling calling in the people who had the medicine my heart needed, and the people whose hearts needed my medicine. My physical body and emotional body started demanding I find what felt safe around me-desire I’ve never experienced in my awareness. I have been so fluid, portable, and adaptable while traveling and enjoying each space in its unique offering. For the first time, my soul was asking for stability for the unearthing of myself I had no clue was about to be on my path. What was coming was something so enormous.

I found myself in a relationship so intense and deep immediately. An unfathomably profound mirror into my trauma, my patterns, and my core wounding-particularly around the masculine and my Sacred Wound. Things I thought I had my head around were finally coming up through my emotional, energetic, and physical bodies. What my mind could process was only a sliver of the memories of trauma and wisdom stored deeper.

I had the most beautiful splash into a deep, loving, safe community who held all the parts of me with unconditional love, and had a partner that was able to do the same in ways nobody ever has in my life. The ugly parts felt truly welcome and honored. And still I was held back, not safe somehow. I dipped my toes into the intimate healing and trauma that sexuality can bring in open relating. I realized that my biggest disservice to my relationship to self and others was not knowing myself deeply. I mean after I have my physical needs met, after I’ve unpacked so much of my past and worked to find healing, found my adventure in life…then who am I? On a cosmic level. In my highest existence, who am I? What do I need? I had such a wonderful partner and community asking this question and I realized how painful it can be for me and them when I can’t find the answer, or when I’m pressured to figure it out too fast without allowing myself the space to listen for it. And how traumatic it can be when I can’t communicate it.

I had a massive sexual awakening amid the most traumatic experience of my life to date. To me, sexuality is the most intimate, vulnerable place we can go in the physical human form for trauma as well as healing. And there is so much deeper, expedited healing in pleasure over dragging ourselves through the shit marinating in the mind’s “what’s wrong”. I had a very culturally normal relationship to sex- mechanical, with only a taste of the connection possible. I was detached to how Sacred it truly is. What my womb is capable of, what she remembers- every single partner, trauma, loving touch, word spoken, and the wisdom of creating new life. I’ve repressed my cycle and femininity my ENTIRE LIFE until just a couple of years ago. Birth control since my very first year of cycling, not realizing my body was trying to ask for healing. An energy more powerful than just human me came online, and I realized the power of sexual exchange and what was happening in my body every time I shared in different ways. Every time I opened my energy to receive. In sex and outside of sex. Because all of life is sex to varying degrees. So fucking much of it beautiful foreplay to connection that cracks us open to the most Divine elevation.

My purpose in life is to be deep. I’ve been asking for it, and I’ve gotten to see how dark and painful it can be- all while practicing breathing my heart open while sitting right next to a mirror that would trigger me to armor up and go take care of myself hidden away from the world or outside the container where the pain is sourced. I called on my highest self to sit, to stay through the lesson. Because I was FUCKING DONE with the karmic patterns of relationships that kept me in the cycle missing the learning, the healing. I had a partner willing to listen and deeply desiring MY deepest healing for me and us. I accepted my responsibility on a whole new level, while also honoring the few boundaries that had finally become clear. And I was able to return fully and wholly to love in relationship before leaving and choosing what my soul had been calling for all year.

I started journaling what home meant to me, using one of my favorite spaces and humans as inspiration for what my soul was SCREAMING for: deep home and family. And 3 weeks later, I manifested the move to that exact space, with that exact human. And the beauty just poured. My soul exhaled in a way it never has before. I grieved the death of myself, my relationship, my karmic patterns, and I grieved feeling further from my Iowa home and family than I ever had before. I pit-stopped back to Costa Rica, my truest home on Earth, and released it all. I finally opened myself up to new relationships full of love and honoring, deep witnessing. I felt my Cancerian self explode in my new home, nurturing and connecting deeply to each person in my home- visitors included. I felt my medicine in my heart be breathed back to life. And I finally felt safety being offered in the space and humans around me. COMPLETELY. And the test came…

I finally had all these people asking me to show myself, without making me wrong for WHATEVER needed to come through me, helping me, holding me so softly in love every step of the way. And my Sacred Rage arose right on time. Through all of my spiritual growth, I thought I was doing a great job being the bigger person, allowing people to be themselves in close relationship to me even when I was triggered. What I was completely oblivious to was the fact that my physical body and human parts were feeling deep violence from the lack of boundaries and self-honor in my love of others. And it finally broke out at the most inopportune moment (so my egoic mind would have me believe). It was an epic birthday party. At the only quiet moment of the night in circle, the violence inflicted upon me by myself and others demanded to come out and be heard. Normally in my containers, we all get to express rage and hold our own space down in sovereignty. Never has my rage ever been welcome and even invited to just be held and witnessed by a circle of others. And here I was on a laundry room floor battling between holding it in or letting it be TRULY seen for the first time, all eyes and hearts on me. And I realized in this moment, I’ve been asking for safety. And it is here. And if I choose not to be seen in this moment, in this way, fully emotionally stripped down, it is because I’m choosing victim mentality. These are the people who can hold all of me as a village. And as they each came and offered their heart in support of me, opening my channel, I roared into the room, the night, the party, the Mother. I screamed for myself and I found myself screaming on behalf of the violence inflicted upon everyone whose hands were on me, holding me. I was screaming for everyone at the party. I was screaming for the violence of the human collective. And with the help of the beautiful people around me, it was out and through so quickly and gracefully. I didn’t want to stay in the Rage and play and bask in it like I do when I’m alone. I came up above the clouds and looked down on the peace I had made room for inside myself and the collective. And I found TRUST. I CHOSE trust in the safety I worked hard to create with this chosen family. Shortly after this experience, I was to be on retreat experiencing the medicine of the Grandmother for the first time. I have no doubt in myself that she was orchestrating this purge well before I sat with her, very intentionally.

Cut to retreat in Hawaii just weeks 2 later. I walked immediately into a whole new family, madly in love with each chosen being in the space within hours. On the island of Hawaii, I was softened before I even had a choice to make in the mind. Within an hour of being in the container of these people, in such a beautiful space, I had the deepest mirror or my life so far held up to my soul. It took all week and lots of integrating to truly BEGIN to process what was happening there. With fear of being witnessed naked in every layer of my being walking with me, I kept moving- one foot, then the other, and on. I found my singing voice- never before heard by me or any other. I birthed myself physically, and spiritually. And I let every single person in that room see me, hear me. I kept peeling off layers of armor and throwing them down. Because I was home in myself, home on that land, home inside every single person sitting with me. Their grief was mine, their purge was mine, their laughter was mine, their song was mine. And my bliss was theirs. I had an even deeper sexual awakening with this medicine. Pure bliss through all she took me through-including the grueling labor of birthing myself. To the euphoric point that I thought I drank from the wrong cup. As I set down my unworthiness and embraced pleasure in ways my body has been blocked from my entire life, I realized it is all this. It is all orgasmic. The pain, the purge, the laughing, the love. I felt compassion for those moving the hard shit for all of us from this bliss state. And I took it with me after the journey. Compassion from bliss state is what it’s meant to be. It’s Divine. She showed me that I am Ayahuasca, I am God, I am you. The separateness made me laugh for hours. It’s all hilarious how the monkey mind wants us to believe we are not safe in the oneness of it all. In all these people, I see that I have done my work to manifest this level of depth in my tribe and my sphere. And even more deeply, I saw such a deep level of masculine healed all around me. It called to the masculine healing within me…by drawing out the enormous feminine inside of me. She was safe and held. And another first in my 33 years of life… one single human mirrored my enormity and my healing to me in the embodied Divine Masculine. I’ve spent life knowing I’m a big force, too much for any one human to hold it all. I truly feel so fulfilled holding my whole self and letting each of my people around me hold what they can in each moment. In this human, I had the repeated message verbally and energetically that I’m not too much… I realized there is the potential for Divine Masculine to hold my Divine Feminine in its enormity. After a lifetime of very non-traditional, mold-breaking exploration of my intimate self, I find myself ready for my Sacred Union. My mind was opened to what is possible by my soul, and the mirror of it in another. And it was immediately followed by the DESIRE for that. Not at ALL what I ever expected, wanted, or imagined in my life. After repressing my feminine, and doing really big things in life from my toxic masculine, I was intimately called home to the Feminine inside myself. Finally. Soft, loving, open, nurturing with no conditions. This is an entirely different blog.

This experience was followed by my first trip back to Iowa after my last trip was the melting pot of the deepest traumas I’ve experienced to date. The most perfect catalysts for my journey to here, now. I released my attachments to what I wanted people to be to me, and made a firm commitment to show up as my authentic self. With the reminders and love of my family from all over the world, I tapped into my sensual, awakened self, my Divine inner Mother and Father, and my beautifully resilient inner child. I had the most loving, meaningful connections with my family expressing myself with the grace of my most softened self yet, including the remnants of what I’m healing. I came whole, and without the projections of my desires onto my family. And I had the most beautiful, connected experience I have ever had to my homeland to date. To the family that raised me, the land I come from, and the Spirits of those who walked it before me.

Who the fuck am I? I am you. I am here. I am now. I am present. This is my who in this moment, ever changing and unfolding, always rebirthing. This is who I get to be when I choose to claim, manifest, and evolve into safety within and without. When I cultivate the home my soul asks for through desire. When I this desire be my compass, my pleasure the confirmation. I am safe, I am home. I choose trust.